Zoo Quotes

“The smell is overpowering. Does the smell stay in your nose for all the animals? Does it?”

“When are we going on the train? Where’s the train? I hear the train whistle. Let’s go get in line for the train! After this animal, we’re going on the train, right?”

“If I breathe through my mouth for the whole time, I start to feel a little dizzy. Do you think I’ll pass out?”

“I see a lot of signs indicating that zoo visitors should be quiet….you know, we should keep our voices down.”

“It doesn’t say you can’t talk. Sheesh! You have to be able to talk. I need to comment on all that I’m seeing. Gawwwd!”


“Is it time for the train yet?”

“My feet hurt.”

“I told you not to wear the new sneakers.”



“Passing gas at the zoo is really not a problem cuz….you’re at the zoo.”

“Charlie’s kinda like a zebra with that sweatshirt he’s got on. He’s blending in. Charlie, you’re a zebra.”

“Be quiet.”

“Everyone be quiet. There’s way too much talking already and we just got here!”


“Everyone pipe down.”

“The rhino doesn’t look happy.”

“Would you be happy if you looked like that?! He has a lot of folds. His whole body kinda drapes.”

“Hmm….interesting description.”

“I know it.”

“All this smell of animal pee makes ME have to pee.”

“Yea, I gotta pee too.”

“Where are the bathrooms around here?! I’m gonna explode!”

“Didn’t you pee before we left the house?!”

“Yea, but that was hours ago.”

“I can hold my pee for six hours.”

“Shut up!”

“Alright! That’s enough. We’ll find the bathrooms.”

“I don’t have to go to the bathroom.”

“But everyone’s going to the bathroom now.”

“It will just be one drip.”

“Then just go one drip. Now is the bathroom time. Got it?”


“Those bathrooms weren’t bad…for a zoo.”

“But we’re at a zoo so anything seems good.”



“The gift shop is right here. We should probably check it out.”

“No gift shops!”

“But I wanted to get something….to remember this special day with the family.”

“Forget it!”

“I’m starving! Where’s the Lemur Cafe? I saw a sign when we first walked in.”

“Are you kidding me? We just had breakfast. It’s not time for lunch yet. We just got here!”

“Actually, it’s already almost 1:00. It is time for lunch.”

“Yea. I’m starving!”

“Did everyone wash their hands when they went to the bathroom? Huh?! Did you?! Dammit! I forgot to bring the bottle of germicide from the car.”

“Well, we’re not going back to the car. That’s miles from here.”

“I know. I know.”

“Do you think they have vegetarian at the Lemur Cafe?”

“At the zoo?!”

“This is California. They probably do.”

“Okay! We’ve eaten. That’s done. Let’s go see some more animals!”

“Who has the map?!”

“Now I have to go to the bathroom. A lot of drips will come. I really have to go to the bathroom. Can we go back to the bathroom area?! Puh-lease?

“When my class came here, we had all these worksheets to do and they took up a lot of time and I never got to go to the rain forest area. I really want to go to the rain forest.”

“You had worksheets….at the zoo? Ridiculous!”

“I know it!”

“Stupid worksheets.”


“Do you think zoo people really like working at the zoo? Do they have opinions about all the animals being caged up or does their love of being near the animals just override all that?”

(Silence. More sighing.)

“Don’t ruin the zoo for me.”

“It’s just a thought I had.”

“What are they doing….those monkeys there?”

“Picking nits.”

“Then eating the nits they picked?”


“Mating ritual.”


“Mommy does that to me all the time.”

“Oh. My. God.”

“Total Barf.”

“Did anyone hear that?”


“That lady over there is laughing. She heard the whole thing. This family is a complete embarrassment!”

“Just walk away. Just walk away!”

“Pretend they’re not our parents. It’s what I always do.”


“He’s having Fact Attacks!”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Charlie. Charlie’s telling those people all about Tamarind monkeys. They’re totally trapped. They can’t get away. It’s a monologue of endless monkey information now.”

“No. It looks like the mother just asked him a question.”

“Yea….like… ‘Can you go back to your family now, little boy?'”

“No. It looks like they’re genuinely interested and amused. How does he know all that stuff, anyway?”

“He stores a lot of information. The kid has a memory like a….”

“Look, they’re laughing now.”

“Must have told ’em a joke.”

“Oh dear God.”

“Charlie! Come on! Time to go!”

“Is that your son?! He’s hilarious!”

“Hah! Thanks!”


“We have to go on the train this instant! I’m not looking at another animal until I go on the train!!!! Did you hear me, Dad?”

“Okay. I’ll have to take her. This is isn’t going to stop until she gets the damn train ride.”


“What was your favorite animal, anyway?”

“The grizzlies!”

“The black rhino, by far!”

“But he wasn’t even black. He was beige. Beige is not as exciting as black. Total boredom and all the draping rhino flesh.”

“Well, anyway, that was my favorite animal.”

“I liked the snow leopard.”

“The train! The train was the best part.”

“Doof! That’s not an animal. The train….”

“That can be my favorite part! It can!”

“Whatever. I asked about your favorite animal.”

“The gorillas were the best. The gorillas are always the best.”

“No, the grizzlies!”


“Ahhhh. Fresh air again. The stink is finally starting to dissipate. Wait! What’s that I smell?!”

“That would be pot. Someone around here is smoking pot.”


“In the parking lot? They’re smoking pot after going to the zoo? Who smokes pot after a trip to the zoo? Around all these children?”

“That can’t be good for the animals.”

“They’re not going to breathe it from all the way out here, dummy!”

“Enough! Just keep walking. The car is miles from here.”

“Now I have to hold my breath from the pot smell.”

“Hold you breath?! Are you crazy? Breathe it in, doofus. Let’s see how high we can get by the time we get to the car!”

“You’re not going to get high. They’re too far in front of us.”

“Really? Cuz I’m feeling pretty dizzy right now.”

“Since you’re holding your breath. That’s why you’re dizzy! Sheesh!”

“Is it those two guys up ahead? That one there, carrying the kid on his shoulder? Those look like cigarettes not spliffs.”

“Spliff? What’s a spliff?”

“Well, I know the smell of pot.”

“Smells sick-y sweet.”

“Smells a little like skunk.”

(Deep sighs. Deep breaths. Oh brother.)

“How do you know about pot?”

“Just do.”

“Charlie, stop taking such deep breaths! Dad, Charlie’s doing deep breathing of the pot smell! Dad!”

“Be quiet! I’m enjoying myself immensely.”

“Oh. My. God.”

“Look they’re turning down the block. I think they must live around here. I don’t even think they went to the zoo. Probably just coming back from the beach.”

“The beach is a good place to smoke some pot.”

“How do you know?! You’re just a little kid. You don’t know anything about pot.”

“I do now. Watch the waves. Cruise in your mind.”

“Dad, he’s talking like a stoner now. Dad!”

“Everyone be quiet! Here’s the car! Someone buckle Gigi in.”

“I’m starving!”

“I said be quiet. Put your stuff in the trunk.”

“Where’s my phone?”

“No one had better complain about having to pee. I mean it. You had your chance back at the zoo. I’m freaking tired.”

“What if I have to explode from pee? Huh? Is that a side-effect from getting high?”

“Oh. My. God.”


“Well, we didn’t lose a kid at the zoo. I’m so happy about that.”

“What a day!”

“What are we going to have for dinner when we get back? Like I said, I’m starving!”

“It was a pretty good day at the zoo.”

“Thank God we didn’t bring Max. All the banter.”

“He would have collapsed.”

“I don’t need to go to the zoo again for another three or four years at least.”

“But all the zoos have to have a train. You can’t go unless there’s a train, anyway.”

“Yea. And there has to be pot smoke as you’re leaving. That’s a nice touch.”

“Yea. It is. It really is.”

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