A Whisper On Your Fifteenth Birthday, Max

There once was a time.….when you let me cradle your warm, bony body in my arms. We had a routine at bedtime, you and I, that involved many story books and endless back scratches until you drifted, with a soft sigh, into your night of sleep.

Now, when night has fallen, we check in with one another in a different way.  I stand at your bedroom door and you look up from typing furtively on your laptop, your long, muscular legs sprawled across the bunched up bed clothes and your textbooks spread all around you.  We nod to each other and perhaps, exchange a brief conversation.  “Go to bed,”  I say.  “In a minute,” you say.  “I have to finish this.”  Sometimes, before I go, I make reference to one of the many adorable sayings from your Little Boy Repertoire.  I’ll stand there, waiting, until you smile, maybe laugh, at my mention of it.

There comes a time, when the directions in my maintenance of the household can no longer be barked and shouted out and then adhered to by you.  You are becoming an adult and you have your own ways, your own procedures for… brushing your teeth, showering, choosing your clothes, putting food into your body.  I can make suggestions, but you, the near-adult, will only take notice of me if I speak in quieter tones and if my thoughts and arguments, for doing a thing this way or that, are well-reasoned and well-debated.

Son, you used to come to me to ask, what should I do?  How should I say it?  How should I write it?  How should I present it… to the world?  But now you do so many of these things completely on your own, without my opinion, and frequently, without even my knowledge. You’ve gone ahead and answered the questions without me.  When I do,  in fact, hear about some situation that you handled by yourself, I see that you have managed it in a way that I never would have. You are your own person.  You remind me of this revelation time and again. I am learning.

There will be a time when we come together once more.  On visits home from college?  Maybe at your wedding?  When you have a child of your own?  It will never be the same, though, this coming together of us. It won’t be like all those times when you were a young child and I was a young mother.  Only one thing will remain — the whispers of my young maternal love.  When you are ready, you will hear those soft whispers, which caressed you then…and now… and forever in the future. You will hear those love whispers again. I am sure of it.

It’s just that right now, the “You and I” is transforming. We’re growing older — you, the son and I, the mother.  Even as I look into the future with great anticipation for all the watching and loving of you yet to come, I DO miss the old way of our love.  I miss it.  I am still learning…about letting go and good-byes.

You should know, as you enter your fifteenth year of life, Maxwell Langford Bollinger, that I’ll always be whispering softly, simply, “I love you.”  From time to time, as the days and nights pass, as your birthdays come and go, I hope you’ll stop and listen for my motherly whisper. It is constant. It is just waiting to be heard.  You WILL listen for it, won’t you?

Happy Birthday, Max.

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