The Bollinger Boys Have Hazelnut Issues


Scott: What’s up with this?! Is this hazelnut? Did you get hazelnut coffee?

Cassie: Yea.

Scott: Why did you do that? You know how I feel–

Cassie: (cocking an eyebrow) I wanted to defy you.

Scott: What? You think this turns me on?

Cassie: No, no. I knew you’d be annoyed, but I was feeling bad ass in the coffee aisle at the grocery store.

Scott: You were feeling “bad ass ” and hazelnut was what you came up with?

Cassie: Yea.

Scott: This is exactly why I bought you that cheap coffee maker…for this kind of thing…when you go all hazelnut. The hazelnut pods ruin the coffee maker. I’ve told you that. Defiles it! You know, a lot of coffee places won’t even allow hazelnut coffee to be made in any of the regular coffee machines. Total faux pas.

Cassie: Pfffft.

Scott: Don’t pffft me. You really need to get your coffee acumen together. You really do! Bad ass.


Max: (pulls the collar of his t-shirt up over his mouth and nose because something smells so offensive to him as he enters the kitchen.) Oh. My. God.

Cassie: What’s the problem?! I’m not cooking broccoli.

Max: Is that hazelnut sickly sweetness I smell?

Cassie: Have you been talking to your father?

Max: No. God, it makes me so gaggy. (Tugs the shirt down off of his mouth and makes an elaborate show of pretend retching before walking out of the room.)


Charlie: (Wiggling his nose, looking around the kitchen for the source of some smell. Decides he doesn’t like the smell and proceeds to pull the collar of his t-shirt up over his mouth and nose.) Um….what is that?

Cassie: (sighing) What?! What is it now?

Charlie: I smell something and it does not agree with me. It smells like one hundred roasted marshmallows have been stuffed up my nose. I’ll probably pass out soon.

Cassie: Did your father tell you to come in here and say that?

Charlie: No. All my own material. I’m gasping under my shirt, here.  Only a few more seconds before I’m out stone cold. (Pause.) Are you melting marshmallows? Are you cooking? Will the smell be gone soon?

Cassie: (dryly) I think it’s my hazelnut coffee. A lot of people in this family have objected to it today.

Charlie: I totally agree with the group. It’s too much flavor-full-ness. It’s too strong. Maybe you could just throw it out.

Cassie: I like my hazelnut coffee.

Charlie: Could you open a window? Let’s get some air in here.


2 thoughts on “The Bollinger Boys Have Hazelnut Issues

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