Scott: What’s up with this?! Is this hazelnut? Did you get hazelnut coffee?
Scott: Why did you do that? You know how I feel–
Cassie: (cocking an eyebrow) I wanted to defy you.
Scott: What? You think this turns me on?
Cassie: No, no. I knew you’d be annoyed, but I was feeling bad ass in the coffee aisle at the grocery store.
Scott: You were feeling “bad ass ” and hazelnut was what you came up with?
Scott: This is exactly why I bought you that cheap coffee maker…for this kind of thing…when you go all hazelnut. The hazelnut pods ruin the coffee maker. I’ve told you that. Defiles it! You know, a lot of coffee places won’t even allow hazelnut coffee to be made in any of the regular coffee machines. Total faux pas.
Scott: Don’t pffft me. You really need to get your coffee acumen together. You really do! Bad ass.
Max: (pulls the collar of his t-shirt up over his mouth and nose because something smells so offensive to him as he enters the kitchen.) Oh. My. God.
Cassie: What’s the problem?! I’m not cooking broccoli.
Max: Is that hazelnut sickly sweetness I smell?
Cassie: Have you been talking to your father?
Max: No. God, it makes me so gaggy. (Tugs the shirt down off of his mouth and makes an elaborate show of pretend retching, followed by vomit sounds before walking right back out of the room.)
Charlie: (Wiggling his nose, looking around the kitchen for the source of some smell. Decides he doesn’t like the smell and proceeds to pull the collar of his t-shirt up over his mouth and nose.) Um….what is that?
Cassie: (sighing) What?! What is it now?
Charlie: I smell something and it does not agree with me. It smells like one hundred roasted marshmallows have been stuffed up my nose. Ordinarily, I love roasted marshmallows, but this smells like one hundred of them and I can’t get any clean oxygen to breathe. I’ll probably pass out soon.
Cassie: Did your father tell you to come in here and say that?
Charlie: No. All my own material. I’m gasping under my shirt, here. Only a few more seconds before I’m out stone cold. (Pause.) Are you melting marshmallows? Are you cooking? Will the smell be gone soon?
Cassie: (dryly) I think it’s my hazelnut coffee. A lot of people in this family have objected to it today.
Charlie: I totally agree with the group. It’s too much flavor-full-ness. It’s too strong. Maybe you could just throw the nut coffee out. Just stick with the plain kinds of coffee that Dad makes.
Cassie: I like my hazelnut coffee.
Charlie: Or maybe you could put the pods into a ziplock bag so the smell doesn’t escape into the air that we need to breathe. Could you do that?
Cassie: (sigh) Sure.
You know what I have to say to you, Bollinger Boys? I say, “Pfffft! Pfffft to you! And pfffft to the bitter black coffee stallions you rode in on!”